Blue Lakes, Green Leaves
by Chargefire
Summary: I know there's so many other fanfics out there like this, but I really wanted to give it a try. Maybe not a self-insert the way you're thinking of it. Enter: Matsushita Setsuna, a lonely autistic kid who tries to navigate their way through life as a citizen of the Hidden Leaf Village. Basically just me writing a Naruto fic about an neurodivergent, nonbinary ninja's struggles.
1. Chapter 1

hey, thanks for reading my story. leave a review on the way out if you feel like it, i'd appreciate it a lot. warnings for this chapter: parents, parents arguing

* * *

Mom is letting me explore the village today. My dad is tired, so he and Yasumaru are staying inside. The area where I live is crowded. People are loud, and I don't like it.

I head toward a quieter area, mostly just wandering. My dad had only told me that I had to be back by dinner at the latest, so I was going to explore. I would be an adventurer, exploring lands unknown, like in the books Mom and Dad read to me and my brother, Yasumaru.

That thought in mind, I giggle and then run forward, face scrunched up in glee. I love running and jumping around, and I love climbing things, too. My parents don't like me climbing up on the counters - I _have_ to if I want to reach anything - but the village where I live has so many places to climb. The trees nearby are all really tall, though, and none of the branches are close enough to the ground for me to try and climb up, even if I hug the entire tree or try to get a running start.

I've seen ninja run over the rooftops, all so fast I can barely see them, and I've even seen one walk up a wall. That's so cool. I want to be a ninja.

I might start at the Academy soon. My mom was against it, but my dad thought that it was a good idea. They fought because of that. I hate it when they fight, when I have to hide in my room, curled in a ball, hands over my ears, humming in an attempt to block out the sound - it's painful.

I want to learn how to walk up walls like that ninja; if I could walk up walls like that then I could definitely climb places easier. Mom read a book to me once that talked about chakra, and apparently that's what ninja use to do things like conjure fire out of nothing. I want to be able to do that.

I walk around for a bit, looking at the shops - I don't have any money, though - and houses. I want to find somewhere secluded enough for me to practice ninja stuff. I eventually find an abandoned park - probably abandoned because of how gross looking everything is. The slide is rusty and the swings are all missing. There's a tree off to the side, though. I want to see if I can climb it like I saw that ninja walk up a wall. I take a deep breath, scrunching my face up in determination, and think, _Climb this tree like a ninja!_

I shoot off and then make it up the tree about 5 steps before I forcibly stop, standing sideways for a moment as if my feet have been glued to the tree. Then I fall to the ground, landing on my side with an "oof".

What was that? I was never able to do that before. I scowl and lay back on the grass, arms spread out wide. The morning dew makes my clothes damp but I don't really care; I'm trying to recall what happened.

I'm not really sure what happened, though. I try again.

It doesn't work this time, and so I try again, and again, and again before falling backwards into a roll that ended with me on my back at the end of it. What am I doing wrong? I did something right the first time.

After a while, I feel bruised all over because I've been falling out of this tree for the past 10 minutes, but I decide to continue. I don't have to be back until later, after all, and I don't want to hang out with my brother right now. Ugh.

I think back.

Oh. I said something to myself about "do this like a ninja", didn't I? Well, let's try that again.

I stand up, concentrating intently, brow furrowed, and then think: "climb this tree like a ninja!"

I try to move immediately after I think that, but there's a moment where I'm almost stuck to the ground, and then I topple over, surprised. Rolling over from my side to my back, I ignore the sudden exhaustion that's come over me to think over what happened.

The same thing that happened on the tree happened on the grass. But I was focusing on _climbing_ the tree, not sticking to the grass. Was it a matter of something else, if not a phrase? I forgo the phrase and instead concentrate, thinking about sticking to the grass again. There's an odd sensation of warmth and yet coolness that kind of feels like water on my back, like when my family went swimming a couple of months ago, but more focused, like tree branches laid out across my skin. Swirly, though. Now that I've noticed it, it seems really obvious, like how if I'm doing something I don't notice my heartbeat, but when I'm still I can sometimes feel it or hear it.

I try to roll over, but I can't; the grass kind of tugs at me through my damp clothes.

I did it! I laugh in glee before I suddenly feel extremely tired, like I've stayed up too late. I slump back against the grass. Moving at all is a struggle, as is keeping my eyes open. Just a little nap...

* * *

Consciousness returns with the arrival of the cool night air, and I pause, looking at the stars in the night sky, confused. Then I realize that I'm all alone in an abandoned park at night and lying on the cold ground. I shiver and jump up, ignoring the fatigue still shrouding me while trying to not imagine monsters behind the trees or in the darker shadows not illuminated by the moonlight.

I stand frozen for a moment in indecision. I can barely see a thing; I can only imagine demons hiding in the shadows, waiting to pounce the moment I let my guard down. Something makes a high noise, like a bird - but what birds are around at night? - and I shriek a little bit before bolting out of the park, trying to both remember the way home and not start crying. I want Mom or Dad here. It's cold and dark and scary. The streets get less deserted as I move forward, but in the unfamiliar night setting, I'm hopelessly lost. I can't see well enough to get back home.

I feel tears well up in my eyes and I close them tightly, fists clenched at my sides as I stop for a moment in the middle of the street. There's no one really around to bump into me; everyone is inside their houses. When I finally open my eyes, there's someone in front of me, looking down. They have a green vest on with dark clothes underneath. I jump in surprise, and a strange look comes over their face.

"Are you injured?" the man asks, dark, dark eyes looking directly at mine. I look away, unwilling to keep eye contact with anyone, let alone a complete stranger.

I say nothing, mind whirling as I try to think of what to say or what to do. What should I do? Is this man dangerous? He has a forehead protector, so he's not dangerous to me, but I don't know him. Do I say something? Is it too late? Have I been silent too long? If I talk now, won't it just be weird?

The man cuts through my thoughts as he speaks again. "If you aren't injured, are you lost? What's your name?"

"... Matsushita Setsuna," I reply after a moment. "Who are you?"

"Uchiha Hiroshi. Police officer," the man answers, looking stern but at the same time a little awkward. "Are you lost?" he asks again.

I look down, brows furrowing and leaning back and forth on my feet. "Yeah," I admit, and the man nods at me.

"Do you know your address?"

"No," I say.

"What are your parents' names?" he asks.

"Matsushita Kurou and Matsushita Teruko."

He looks at me for a moment and then says: "Come with me. We're going to the Military Police Headquarters so we can look up where your parents live." He doesn't actually wait for me to say anything; instead, he grabs me, and I squawk in surprise.

Wind burns against my cheeks, and my eyes water. We move fast, and the landscape blurs into streaks of bright light (from the village) that contrast against the night sky. It's a weird sensation; my stomach is flopping with some weird light feeling every time he jumps through the air, and I'm really too shocked by all the new sensations to even move.

It takes a few minutes for use to reach the tall building; it's right next to the Fire Shadow's Tower and the Academy, and is adorned with a small red and white fan in the middle of a four-pointed star on the front of the building. He sets me down and we enter the still-lit building.

There's another man working at the desk inside. I look around; there are more fans on the walls and the room is painted a dark blue. Off to the side are my parents. My eyes widen in surprise and I yell out, "Mom! Dad!"

They jolt, turning around, and then I'm running to them, away from the man who helped me.

"Where _were_ you?" My mom asks, sounding stressed. She looks awful. Her face is all red, and her eyes are bloodshot. My dad hasn't been crying, but he looks stressed. He's holding Yasumaru, who's sleeping.

My mom hugs me tightly, and I stiffen for a moment, unused to the contact. Mom doesn't usually hug me.

"What happened?" my dad asks the man from before. "Is she okay? Was she hurt?"

"No. She's physically fine," he says. "I'm not entirely sure what happened. I found her... 15 minutes away from here, by walking."

Mom finally lets go of me, letting me escape the hug, but asks her question again. "What happened, honey? I was so worried..."

I look down, a little upset at worrying her like this. "Sorry... I fell asleep. I was in a park and I got, um, really, really tired after I tried to climb a tree like a ninja," I explained.

"Like a ninja?" Mom asks back, sounding a little confused.

"Yeah!" I say, a grin appearing on my face. I concentrate on that warm-yet-cool feeling and force it to my feet. "Okay, try to push me over!"

"Setsuna..." my mom begins, looking skeptical.

"Just push me a little!" I insist, so she does, but my feet are stuck to the floor. I end up kind of not falling, but leaning back too far to really gain my balance again. My feet unstick themselves, and I fall to the ground fully. Mom is instantly there to help me up.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"Y-yeah," I say, but the word is interrupted by a large yawn and more of that tiredness. Suddenly, all I want to do is sleep, like before at the park.

"Chakra exhaustion," the man from before says.

"Exhaustion?" my dad asks, looking both a little angry and scared.

The man at the desk looks up. "Seems like she used too much chakra - uh, think of it as your life force - so she got really tired and fell asleep. Normally kids don't have a lot of chakra, so she became more tired than an older ninja would."

"Ninja?" My mom asks, and I blink blearily up at Uchiha Hiroshi. He pauses for a moment before replying.

"Most people who utilize chakra are ninja, yes. Will you be enrolling your daughter at the Academy?"

Mom grimaces, but Dad nods. "She wanted to go," he explains.

"She's already a little precocious, though, isn't she?" the man at the desk wonders. "Using chakra like that at her age... How old is she? Five?"

"Just turned five," I mumble, yawning again, and the man at the desk blinks before smiling at me.

"Most kids at the Academy don't get into chakra moulding exercises until their third year or so. She's advanced for her age, then," he concludes. "Still pretty damn dangerous, though. Chakra exhaustion's pretty terrible, especially for kids."

"Should we take her to the hospital?" my dad asks, voice pinched and stressed. Yasumaru yawns, and he quickly shifts to accommodate him more, trying not to wake him.

"She'll be fine with rest," Uchiha Hiroshi says. "You would have known if she was in any danger. However, don't let her use her chakra unless it's supervised."

I slide down on the floor, not really caring that it's probably dirty, but I'm so tired. My eyes slip down, and I'm suddenly asleep.

* * *

I wake slowly, feeling a crinkly dryness in my throat. I'm _really_ thirsty. I open my eyes and realize I'm on the couch, with Mom and Dad and Yasumaru sleeping on the floor. It's dark out, but getting lighter in the way that suggests it's almost morning. I'm feeling a lot better now; still a little tired, but not how I was before.

Going over to where my mom was asleep, I whisper: "Mom," in an effort to not wake anyone else. However, she doesn't react. I repeat myself again, a little louder, and then when that doesn't work, I shake her a little bit.

She blearily opens her eyes, confused before snapping up out from under the futon. "Setsuna, sweetie, are you feeling okay?"

Dad makes a weird noise and turns over, moving the blankets. I nod at her. "I'm hungry," I say.

Mom hugs me tightly and then her expression turns angry. "Setsuna, sweetie. I'm so, so glad you're safe and fine. But you made us worry like that... how could you? I work so hard and your father is so busy taking care of little Yasu. Next time you need to do better."

I swallow but nod, feeling a tight sensation in my chest at her words. "Sorry," I say, and she gets up and begins making breakfast.

Later, when we're all sitting down at the breakfast table, Dad addresses me.

"The next Academy term begins next week. We're going to enroll you, Setsuna," he says seriously.

"Really?" I ask, happy. "But... what about last night?"

Mom purses her lips, looking unhappy. Dad speaks up again, though. "Well, you're a smart child, Setsuna. You're sure to do well. But apparently ninja techniques are dangerous, so you need instruction."

"I'm still not sure of this, Kurou," my mom says.

Yasumaru giggles a little bit and my mom leans over, feeding him some food and wiping his chin after he half-swallows, half-spits it out.

"Teruko, it's not only that. She needs to be able to protect herself, too."

Mom sighs, but nods. "Alright, fine." She turns to me, putting on a smile. "Setsuna, you can go."

I smile wide and make to hug her, stopping once I realize some tamagoyaki is on my hand. I try to wipe it on my pants as discreetly as I can, but my mom levels a glare at me. "Setsuna..."

"Sorry!" I squeak. I look at the napkins with trepidation before deciding to just lick my hand.

"Setsuna!" Dad says sharply. I look up from my hand. "We do _not_ lick our hands. That's what napkins are for."

"Okay..." I say, feeling a little embarrassed.

After breakfast is done and all the dishes are cleaned up, Mom heads out for work at the hospital. Dad gets out some paper and pen, letting Yasumaru roll around on the floor next to him. I try to look over his shoulder to see what he's working on.

"Oh! I know that one. That one's school!" I say, pointing at a character on the paper.

Dad smiles at me. "That's right. Want me to read this to you? It's a little boring, but..."

"No! I wanna know more characters!" I say, crossing my arms. Reading is really hard but it's really fun, too. I love the stories with the ninja and demons and princesses. Some of the stories Mom and Dad read to me are really interesting, but I can't read them, and that's really frustrating.

"Okay, then," he says, and goes over the paper, filling in blanks along the way.

"That's... Seshina?" I ask, a little confused because that's not my name, but I know that Dad just wrote that where my name goes.

"Setsuna," he corrects. "See? _Shi_ is like a face looking to the right, but _tsu_ is like a face looking to the left."

"Ooooh," I say, and leave it at that.

* * *

Dad drops me off at the Academy the next week. I have a small bag at my side, holding things like a couple of notebooks, a bag of pencils, and some pens. He's holding Yasumaru, but he still manages to lean down and give me a one-arm hug. "Do your best at school, Setsuna," he says, and I nod, hesitating for a moment after he leaves. I don't want to walk into the wrong area and have everyone _look_ at me.

I see another kid pass through the part of the hall I can see from the windows, and I immediately scurry after them, not wanting to stick out for any longer. An adult - a blob of green and brown clothing and brown hair - waves me over, and I quickly jog over there, feeling nervous and excited all together, like something's coiled in my stomach, making it lighter.

We're seated in a classroom. I sit right up in the front, eager to learn, ignoring everyone else. The classroom is still about half empty, so I take out a notebook and a pencil and start to write a story about a young girl who becomes a ninja as carefully as I can. I don't really know much beyond hiragana and katakana, so I space out my words so I don't get confused later.

I'm just getting to the part where the fearless, blue-haired Akira has begun to fight the evil deserter ninja when the teacher clears her throat and says, "Good morning, everyone."

We all mumble "good morning" back. She pauses for a moment before repeating herself, a little more loudly and firmly, and we get the hint, repeating it in the same loud way. She writes out her name for us in hiragana on the blackboard, the lines crisp and neat. _Kuba Momoko_ , I read after a moment.

"I am Kuba Momoko, your teacher. I will be with you for the next 4 years," she says, light brown eyes looking over at us. I snap my notebook shut as quietly as I can, a little guilty at having spaced out. "Before we get started, I'm going to do rollcall. When I call your name, please say 'here' and an interesting fact about yourself. I will start as an example. I like reading books."

She calls on us starting from the vowel hiragana row and making her way through the vowels before coming back up to the _ka_ row and then the _sa_ row and so on. I hear a lot of different responses, like "My parents own a bakery", and "I have a cute dog named Shiroko", or "My favorite color is red". She eventually makes her way to the _ma_ row.

"Maki Takao," she says.

"Here!" a young boy says, smiling wide. I turn to look at him. He's already lost a tooth, I can see, and I wiggle the loose one in my mouth for a moment (only a little disappointed when it still stays there) before turning back to Miss Momoko. I missed whatever Takao said, though, and then Miss Momoko is calling on me.

"Uh- here!" I say, and then I pause for a moment, thinking back on what happened last week. "Um... I kind of climbed a tree like a real ninja last week!" I say proudly. Mom and Dad hadn't let me try that again, but I was hoping that I could practice that more at the Academy.

Miss Momoko raises an eyebrow. "Like a ninja?" she asks, and I nod.

"Yeah! With chakra. But I fell asleep after and my mom and dad wouldn't let me do it anymore," I say, looking down.

There's a pause, and I look up, wondering why she hasn't moved on to the next person. She continues, though. "Yes, there was a good reason for that, Matsushita. Children usually don't have enough chakra to perform ninja techniques until they're 7 at least," she tells me, and then continues onward with a "Mori Kyou".


	2. Chapter 2

warnings: violence, mentions of bullying, & mentions of food

* * *

After that, we go over hiragana and katakana and even some kanji. The kids who could already read those are split up into a smaller group, and Miss Momoko has everyone get up from where they were sitting. The kids who don't know how to read go to one side of the room, and the other kids - a group that includes me - go to the other side.

Then Miss Momoko does something weird with her hands, and another Momoko appears with a burst of smoke. Everyone "oooh"s at that, and one kid is so excited he stands up.

"Please sit down, Inuzuka," Miss Momoko says dryly, staring at him until he flushes nearly as red as the marks on his cheeks.

"Sorry," he mutters, sitting down and looking away.

Miss Momoko - the first one - grabs some chalk and eraser and draws a line separating the board after erasing the name written there. Her side is soon filled with all the hiragana written in the fifty-sound order. "I expect you all to copy this down and memorize it," she says. "There will be a test over this on Friday, and that goes for _everyone_ , not just those who are currently on my side of the classroom."

The other Momoko writes down ten kanji in a vertical line down the board, writing their readings next to them. While the rest of the class is scribbling down the hiragana chart, our Miss Momoko is saying the readings. "One, two, three..."

* * *

Later - before lunch, so I'm really hungry - we go outside to a small dirt track. Miss Momoko has a clipboard and pen in her hand, her clone holding a stopwatch. "We're going to run laps today, children! One kilometer in all. But first we're going to stretch. Everyone get in a circle!" The clone puts the stopwatch in a pocket and then, after we've all gathered around, holds her right arm directly out, other arm pressed against the other. We all follow her lead. "I'll count out the odds! One!"

"Two!" we shout back after a moment.

"Three!"

This continues until we've reached twenty, whereupon she switches arms. Everyone does the same. We run through other stretches - leg swings; placing our hands against the ground while keeping our feet flat; sitting down and trying to reach the tip of our shoes - before she has us line up on the track. I end up in the middle of the group, waiting for the Miss Momoko with the stopwatch to begin.

"Ready... set... go!" she cries, and we all shoot off. I try to run fast for the first lap, wanting to keep up with everyone near the front, but by the second lap, I'm having trouble. My side hurts, and I'm gasping for air. I'm not the only one, and I'm not the dead-last runner, but I've gone from the beginning of the pack to almost the end. I _don't_ like it, but by the time the third lap comes around, I'm more shuffling than running.

I want to stop, but I can kind of hear Miss Momoko yelling at some kids behind me to start running again, and I don't want to be yelled at. I keep running.

Eventually I reach the finish line, and Miss Momoko #2 calls out my time. I almost immediately stop and move a few meters before falling on the ground, rolling over on my back and gasping for breath. The other Miss Momoko isn't having it, though.

"Up, up! Hands behind your head and walk around, Matsushita! You recover quicker that way!" I groan but get up, walking in circles as my breathing petters out, settling into its normal rhythm.

Once everyone is done and has cooled down, we go through the same stretches again. "It's important to stretch and cool down so you don't get injured," Miss Momoko lectures in between her clone shouting out numbers. After that, she dismisses us for lunch. "Be back in an hour!"

I grab my pack and then look around, not quite sure what to do. If I was at home, I'd sit at the table, but we're all outside and there aren't any tables in sight, just a few more trees, the track, and a wide field. I eventually decide to sit not next to, but several meters away from a group of girls, as I'm too nervous to introduce myself. Eventually one looks up and scrunches her nose at me. I flush and scootch away, turning my back and eating my boxed lunch in silence.

After ten minutes or so, I pack up my lunch into my bag and store it back in the classroom. Once I get back outside, everyone has gathered near a tree. "We're gonna play Tag!" a girl says loudly, and when no one objects, she touches the shoulder of someone with dark hair and dark glasses, proclaiming "you're the ogre!" to them.

Everyone scatters. "If the ogre touches you, you work for the ogre!" the original girl yells, and I throw myself into the game, giggling. The ogre comes after me first, and I shriek in laughter. I manage to avoid them and the other "ogres" for the rest of the game until Miss Momoko calls us back inside.

We go over math and history before Miss Momoko dismisses us. Dad and Yasumaru are waiting near the gates, and I run over to them.

"How was school, Setsuna?" Dad asks. Yasumaru burbles and makes some noise.

"It was fun!" I say as we walk home. "We had to run laps, though, and that was _awful_."

"Laps, huh? How'd you do?"

I purse my lips and look down. "Bad," I say after a moment. "It was really hard. I don't like running."

Dad says nothing for a moment before responding with: "But you see ninja run around all the time, right? If you're dedicated to this 'becoming a ninja' business, you're going to see it through. I didn't raise a quitter in this family."

"I'm not gonna quit!" I protest, scowling. After a moment, I begin to clap my hands in front of me and then behind me as I walk. Dad immediately stops me, though.

"Stop that," he commands, and I shrink back, letting my hands fall at my sides.

"Okay..."

"If you aren't going to quit, then you need to make sure you try your best everyday. I'm not going to be mad if you aren't the best in something, but I _will_ be if you don't _try_ your best. Do you understand, sweetie?" he asks. Yasumaru giggles and smacks Dad's shoulder while we're walking, and I stick out my tongue at him while Dad isn't watching.

"I guess," I say after a moment. "I just need to try my best?"

Dad smiles at me. "Yep."

* * *

The next six months are pretty much like the first day; we learn how to read and write, mathematics, history of Leaf and Fire Country, hand seals, and other stuff like that. I read as many books as I can get my hands on, especially fiction books. I learn kanji pretty quickly, I think. Memorization is easy for me, and Miss Momoko says I'm the best reader in the class and that my reading ability is almost near an adult's.

About two weeks after school begins, I start bringing books to read during lunch and recess - no one wants to play with me unless it's a big game, like Tag. I don't understand why people don't like me; I try to imitate what other kids do but I'm just called "creepy". Why are the others not creepy when they do that? I don't get it at all.

Mom and Dad don't really notice how I don't have friends, I guess, but I do end up using all my allowance on books so I don't have to spend time alone by myself. If I'm reading a book, I can engross myself in a story or in new information and ignore what's going on with the other kids.

It's a little lonely, but I concentrate more on learning what's taught to us. Math isn't as easy for me as reading is, but I like history almost as much as I like reading. Our physical techniques class is still just running and other exercises since we're young. I don't like to run around in an oval for the majority of the class period, but I make sure I try my best. My dad told me to do things seriously or not at all, and since I do want to become a ninja, I put forth my best effort.

I quickly end up at the top of the class in everything except the math and physical techniques classes. I just don't understand math, and I keep hitting this spot where I can't improve my time when running a kilometer. We do more running exercises besides running a kilometer, but they're still kind of boring.

Class is pretty much the same until six months in. Today, we're going to learn how to _fight_ during the physical techniques class. I'm a little excited, actually. Miss Momoko and a few clones go through the basic fighting style we would be learning and then, thankfully, she decides our sparring partners for us. I hate it when we choose partners by ourselves because I'm always the last one to be picked, and it burns how people stare at me when that happens.

I walk up to the drawn circle on the ground where my partner, a dark-haired kid with light brown eyes, is standing. I don't know his name. He looks at me a little strangely.

"The rules for this are simple! We're just getting a baseline of what you'll need to focus on this year, so remember: the first one out of bounds loses. Once you've lost, head over to this area," here she points to a spot about ten meters away, "and run a few laps and then cool down," Miss Momoko announces. She forms the Tiger seal and a blackboard appears to the side, all of our match-ups written on there, tournament style. "If you know how to dispel illusion techniques, I'd recommend not to dispel this one, unless your memory is flawless," she says dryly. "Don't worry, once class is done, I'll dispel it myself."

Once we've all assembled in our many circles on the field, Miss Momoko whistles loudly for us to start.

I wait for my opponent to move first. After a few seconds, he launches himself at me, and I cleanly sidestep and then, using his own momentum, grab his arm and flip him out of bounds so he lands on his back. He gasps wildly at the sudden pain and the lack of air in his lungs. The other kids have paused for a moment, a little startled at how quickly my match went. I look at the boy in surprise and a little disappointment; it was over so quickly.

Miss Momoko is suddenly right next to us, and I jump, shocked. "Etou," she says, addressing the boy, "good try for a first time. Head on over." She turns to me and then the blackboard is changes - I'm moving on. I'll fight either Inuzuka Haruki or Hirose Mayu next. After a moment, she narrows her eyes at the rest of the class. "Well? Continue!"

I remain in the circle when Miss Momoko raises a hand to me, telling me to stay put. I watch the rest of the class as I wait. A lot of the kids have ended up grappling with each other. Some are circling, not sure when to attack, and as I watch, a few lose their matches.

Eventually, Hirose Mayu stomps on the Inuzuka kid's foot and then pushes him out of bounds. He seems a little distraught at this, but heads over to the losers' area anyway. Hirose looks at me and nods. "Let's have a good match," she says, a small smirk forming on her face. I nod and repeat her words.

Our teacher is suddenly there and then just as quickly begins the match. Again, I wait for Hirose to move first. She seems to be trying for the same thing, but impatience wins, and she tries to kick at my legs. I kind of end up falling forward, grabbing her shoulders and then returning the favor. She grabs my arms, and I let go before quickly crouching down and then pushing myself at her, trying to force her out of the ring. She digs in and I let go again, backing up slightly.

She narrows her eyes at me. I pause for a moment and then move as if I'm about to try to grapple her again; instead, I abandon it as soon as my fingers touch her shoulders, sweeping my leg out to knock her own legs out from beneath her. She falls to the ground, surprised, and I use a leg to kind of kick her out of the ring. It's not a very hard kick, but it does the job. As I'm panting at the exertion, I realize my mouth is set in a smile.

I let it fall back to it's more neutral expression. "Good match," I say, not saying her name because I forgot it almost as instantly as I saw it on the blackboard. Hopefully she doesn't realize.

"Good match," she agrees with a sour expression, moving away. I glance back at the blackboard - now I'll be facing either Yamanaka Inohiro or Etou Hikari. I try to find them, but I don't really know anyone in my class, and I'm pretty bad at matching names to faces. I don't know if anyone realizes that, though.

I think I see Yamanaka over there. Ah. He just got thrown out of the ring. I don't move, though; if that _isn't_ Yamanaka and Etou, I don't want to be embarrassed by going over there.

The winner of that match looks around, looking for their next opponent. After a few moments, Miss Momoko appears next to me suddenly. "Etou won her match," she says, nodding toward the girl with light-brown hair I had been looking at before. "Go on over."

"Okay," I say, and circle through the matches. There's actually only 10 people left on this field; everyone else is one the other one.

Etou looks up at me, pursing her lips. She gives me a look I don't really understand while I step into the circle. Miss Momoko begins the match after a moment.

She doesn't try to wait or anything like that; she just launches herself at me, knocking us both to the ground. It didn't really hurt, so I buck, kicking until I force her off me. We both get up at about the same time.

"What's your name, anyway?" she asks after a moment.

"Matsushita Setsuna. You're..."

"Etou Hikari," she answers, and then a punch is flying toward my face. I'm too distracted to react in time. The punch connects, but in my panic, I somehow force my chakra to my feet, so I don't fly out of the circle. My face really hurts, though; that was a strong punch. I immediately cut the chakra flow, taking advantage of the fact that because I didn't move back, her fist slid off my face and she's falling forward. I knee her in the stomach and then push her back.

She's gasping, the air knocked out of her, and then she stumbles back, right out of the ring. I wait for the board to update before stepping out of the ring to help her up.

"G-good fight," she says after she's gotten her breath back. I look away from her face, a little embarrassed at how I made her cry. Did I hit _that_ hard?

"Good fight," I say.

Miss Momoko helps her up once it's clear she isn't getting up anytime soon. "This way, Etou," she says, and then waves me over to my next opponent. It's pretty clear to see who they are, because the only other people on this side of the field are fighting each other.

I look over at the board. _Matsushita_ is on the top bracket while _Aburame_ is on the bottom. The section on the right has the names _Hyuuga_ and _Uchiha_. This is the semi-finals, then.

I study my opponent for a moment. She has dark brown hair in pigtails on the sides of her head and is wearing extremely dark sunglasses. She nods at me as I enter the ring. As soon as Miss Momoko begins the match, she bends her knees, hands a little bit away.

Aburame moves suddenly, bringing up a leg toward my midsection. It connects, and I gasp at the hit, but I manage to grab her leg and twist until she's on the ground in a quick movement. I don't press my advantage, though, because I can't breathe, I can't _breathe_ -

She jumps up and kicks again, but I see it coming this time, even with how I'm still getting my breath back, and I try to redirect the kick while I move out of the way. I'm pushed back nearly to the edge of the ring, but I'm smiling. This is the most fun I've had in weeks. I don't let her attack first this time; I bring my own leg up in a low kick, aiming for her legs. If I aim too high, she'll be able to do the same thing I did to her earlier. By now, I'm recovered from that kick; my breathing is no longer as desperate.

Aburame grunts, pushed back a little bit, and stumbles. We both fall to the ground, though; I didn't move my leg in time, so it got tangled between her ankles. I end up to the side of her, so I kick away, my feet connecting to her back and flipping her over. As soon as that happens, I scramble up and kick her again, managing to force her out of the ring.

I wait for the board to update, noting that Hyuuga and Uchiha still haven't finished their fight, and then I lean over, offering Aburame a hand. She takes it after a moment.

"Good fight," I say, smiling at her.

"Good fight," she answers in a quiet, quiet voice.

I stand awkwardly in the ring, tensely aware of how I'm the only one on this side of the field not fighting. I decide to ignore this and focus on the fight. Uchiha and Hyuuga are both really fast, and I'm excited to face off against one of them. Then, a quick jab from Hyuuga, and Uchiha slides out of the ring, disqualified.

The board immediately updates. I look to the side; most of the kids are running or stretching really slowly. They're probably watching. That makes me a little nervous, but then Miss Momoko is waving me over to Hyuuga.

I walk over to her, and as soon as I situate myself in the ring, the match begins. Hyuuga jabs my stomach, knocking the wind out of me, but I channel chakra to my feet, rooting myself to the ground. She seems a little surprised at that, but I push her back and let my chakra flow normally again. I try to kick her, but she sidesteps and then kicks me backwards so quickly that I don't react with my chakra in time. I move backwards in the air, skidding far enough that I'm definitely out of the ring. I groan, but quickly pick myself up.

"Good fight," I say. I'm a little sad that I lost, but even though it was short, the fight was pretty intense; I'm not too upset.

Hyuuga merely inclines her head at me. Miss Momoko instructs us both to go cool down and stretch.

Once everyone is done with that, she gathers us back in the classroom. Miss Momoko tells us that we need to write a short paragraph detailing our mistakes today in the matches and how to fix them for homework. I'm so tired, though. It's a struggle to stay awake. I keep nodding off, but I try to stay awake for the lesson.

I think we go over some events when the First Fire Shadow was in office, but I'm practically falling asleep where I'm sitting. Using chakra earlier really made me tired. Finally, class ends. I begin to pack up my things so I can walk back to my house, but a note flutters into my hands. I look around, but no one seems to have noticed.

 _"Please see me after class. -Kuba Momoko"_ is written in clear black, furigana over the kanji so I can read it. I'm nervous, but I slide back in my seat, getting out a notebook to write while I wait. I only manage to get two more sentences written down about Matsu Akira, high ranking ninja, before I realize the last person is leaving class for the day.

I gather my things back up, feeling my heart rate pick up a little bit. I approach Miss Momoko. "Um, excuse me..." I begin.

She looks up from her desk, scrutinizing me. "Matsushita," she says after a moment. "Yes, I wanted to talk to you."

"Um, about what?" I ask, looking at the edge of her desk (light brown wood with worls and a lacquer over it to prevent scratches, I note). I yawn almost immediately after speaking.

"If you work for it, you may be able to graduate early in three years, instead of four," she begins, and I gape at her words, totally surprised. "Don't let this go to your head. You aren't a genius, but you are a bright child, and it would be a waste to have you here longer than you need to."

"Really?" I ask, incredulous.

"Yes. You have good instincts for physical techniques, and the only real problem is your mathematics."

I grimace at the thought of _math_ , but wait for her to continue. "The fact of the matter is, Matsushita, Leaf needs more ninja. We're at war. As an Academy student, it is your duty to study hard and become a ninja when you can, but I won't let an 8 year old graduate without being proficient enough. Bring up your math scores, and continue to impress me with your other grades, and perhaps I will let you." She hands me a light brown folder. "Give this to your parents. Dismissed."

I head out, clutching the folder to my chest, a little bewildered at the turn of events.


	3. Chapter 3

warnings: bullying, parents fighting, food descriptions

* * *

I manage to get back home, even though I'm so tired. I pretty much throw the folder on the table before shrugging off my bag and falling on the futon in my room. I'm asleep within seconds. 

Mom and Dad are arguing about something again. I don't know about what. Mom opens her mouth to yell something and then she turns into an ogre, skin turning blue and pointy horns growing from her forehead. She grows bigger as she yells, but then Dad starts growing too. He's turning into an ogre, too, though his skin is red. Dad punches the wall, and then a ninja bursts through the window, rolling to a stop before picking me up and squishing me in a ball-form.

"This is my special human transportation technique," he tells me. His forehead protector is green like the leaves on trees. As I watch, a leaf falls onto it, sticking there. "We need you for the war. Come on!" he shouts, and then runs away from my parents, sticking me to his back so I don't fall off. 

And then Mom is there, back in human form, shaking me, shaking me-

"Setsuna, you can't be asleep right now-"

I open my eyes, Mom's blurry face sharpening into focus. "Wh?"

"If you sleep now, you'll never fall asleep at night," she says sternly.

I yawn, but sit up. "Wh... what time is it?"

"About 6 o'clock, sweetie. Come to dinner, okay?" We move to the table; Dad and Yasumaru are waiting for us. After we eat for a few minute, Dad clear his throat.

"So, you'll be graduating early?" he asks, sounding pleased. Mom makes an angry noise and I tense, looking away from her.

"Yeah..." I answer.

"No she _won't_ ," Mom snarls, and I look at her with wide eyes, feeling frozen in place.

"If she has the ability, then she should do her duty as a citizen of the Hidden Leaf Village and become a ninja, Teruko," Dad answers back, his voice getting louder.

"She'll di-" Mom cuts herself off, not finishing her word. She slouches back down, closing her eyes. "Fine. Fine! Let her become a ninja! But when-" she glances at me, and I want to know what she's talking about, why she's so worried, but I _can't_ , tears are in the corners of my eyes and I'm frozen still.

"She _won't_ , Teruko. I'm not discussing this with you here," Dad says, and stands away from the table to leave the room.

Mom turns to me after a moment. "Setsuna... Becoming a ninja is dangerous. I thought- I thought you would have more time. Four years, not three."

I don't say anything, still too shocked and upset to answer.

Yasumaru begins to cry, wailing loud and harsh, and I wince at the noise. Too loud! Mom tries to distract him with food. It works, but Yasumaru is still pretty annoying. Why does he have to be so _loud_?

After a moment, I begin to move again, slowly eating the rest of my food before cleaning up. I start to head to my room. I don't want to talk to Mom or Dad or anyone right now. Once I get there, I open a book I got the other day and begin to read. A story is better than real life, right now.

* * *

I don't become the number one person in our physical techniques class - the Hyuuga kids and Uchiha kids always beat me - but I like the class anyway. When we start on throwing techniques a few weeks after our first matches - not with kunai or shuriken yet, but wood replicas - I end up doing well there, too. It's easy for me. I don't understand how some kids can't even hit the targets yet; all I do is aim, breathe, and throw, and even though I'm not the _best_ \- that's Uchiha Kei and Yanagi Tsukiko - I still hit the target every time.

We've apparently learned 500 kanji so far, from what Miss Momoko says, but I think I'm closer to knowing a thousand. I can read big kid books really easily, even better than the clan kids. No one wants to talk to me, though, and if they do, they just make fun of me.

Inuzuka Haruki and Etou Hikaru are the worst, though. They always say my hair is weird, and it's not, my mom has that color hair, even if no one else does.

I'm always the last chosen for games and it's really lonely. Eventually, I just give up on trying to interact with my other classmates, throwing myself into books and studying.

My grades are the best in the class in academics, though, except for math, which is still _so difficult_. Mom won't help me with anything school related anymore, but Dad is usually too busy with Yasumaru to help me out. I don't really need too much help, though, I guess. Everything but math is so easy. I feel like I only have to hear it once before I know it, and I read the textbooks for fun, so I'm always ahead. That makes class kind of boring because I usually end up knowing what we go over already.

Right now I've worked it out so I pretty much read a book a day; I go to the library after school to return a book and then check one out. I read books pretty much anytime I have freetime. Lunch is less lonely now that I read through it. I read books in class, too, but sometimes that makes Miss Momoko a little mad. I can usually answer whatever she's asking, though, so it's not like I _stop_ reading during class, especially when I get good scores on tests anyway.

I play around with my chakra sometimes, if I finish with a book early. One of the books I read about chakra in the civilian section of the library told about some exercise with a leaf where you stick it to your forehead. That seems a little silly to me - I don't want to go around carrying leaves - so I usually end up making paper stick to my hands when I'm bored. I tried to move the paper around my body with chakra, like the chakra was a river and the paper was a log or something, but Miss Momoko wouldn't let me do that for very long. On the days I use chakra like that I usually end up going to bed early because I get so tired.

The school year goes by pretty quickly. For our summer break, I try to train with my chakra more. Miss Momoko told me I have really small chakra reserves and that was why I shouldn't use my chakra right now, but a book I got on chakra from the library said the best way to get more chakra was to use most of it up again and again, and I want to be able to use my chakra more, so I don't really listen to Miss Momoko on that. I ended up pretty much being asleep for half of summer.

Mom said she wanted to have us go visit our relatives in the Land of Water, but decided not to, because of the war.

We visit Dad's relatives, though. Most of them live in the Land of Fire's capital, and Dad has eight other brothers and two other sisters. He's the youngest, though. It's funny. Everyone is named after the order of birth, even my aunts, so my oldest uncle is called Ichirou and my oldest aunt is called Ichiko. I don't think my grandparents were very imaginative.

Once we get back to school, there's a lot of new work. We start on chakra control, and I tie with Hyuuga Haruko for the best in that. We go on an overnight trip to a forest in the Village to learn how to camp and hunt, a few weeks in. I found a rabbit with a trap, but it was difficult to kill it at first. Miss Momoko had to tell me to look somewhere away from its eyes. Killing fish is easier, though - they're kind of weird looking and I don't really feel anything for them - and I'm better at fishing, too. I know ninja have to kill other people sometimes, but I hope I don't have to. All the books I've read have death as a really sad and tragic thing, and everyone is upset when a character dies. No one I knew has died, except for my grandfather, and I barely knew him anyway.

I keep on reading, and I pretty much read every single book in the fiction section of the civilian part of the library. The nonfiction books I find aren't as interesting, but I'm not allowed in any of the ninja sections yet.

The second year ups the work and training - I can hit moving targets every time now - and it kind of passes really slowly, but also really quickly. Near the end of it, I start to get the hang of basic math skills. The third year is interesting, though, because we've moved on from chakra exercises to the three basic ninja techniques - the Transformation technique, the Replacement technique, and the Clone technique. I still have really, really small chakra reserves, though. I can do the Replacement technique over and over easily enough, but the Clone and Transformation technique take more out of me. I make sure I use the smallest amount of chakra possible for each technique, though, because I have so little. I have really good chakra control because of that, even better than most of the clan kids. I wish I had _more_ chakra, but another book said that chakra reserves won't expand very much until puberty begins, which is annoying, because I've kind of been driving myself to chakra exhaustion for nothing, then, but I figure that since I've got such small reserves, I'll need to know how to deal with chakra exhaustion when in the field.

And now, today's _the day_ \- the day we take the test to become a low-rank ninja. Well, the written and basic ninja techniques portions, anyway; we took the test on throwing and traps and stealth and other stuff like that yesterday.

But honestly, I'm so ready. I know I'll pass the test - but I can't help the flutter of anxiety low in my stomach. I stare back at my reflection in the mirror, tying my shoulder-length blue hair back with both a hair-tie and a grimace. I want to cut my hair short, but my mom says I'll look too much like a boy if I do that. She already gets on my case about how I don't like girly stuff that much. I don't get the point of makeup or nail polish or spending an hour getting ready for the day.

I brush my teeth, sticking out my tongue a little bit and making a weird noise to myself before I remember I need to get going. I slip on my black hoodie and say a quick goodbye to Mom and Dad and Yasumaru.

"Good luck," Dad says, and Mom nods, face twisting before she turns away. I don't like how Mom doesn't want me to become a ninja, and it's a little painful how she won't help me, but I wave at them anyway.

Yasumaru tries to ambush me near the doorway, but I evade, rolling my eyes. "I'll be a better ninja than you one day," he says petulantly, and I slip my shoes on, ignoring him as I walk out the door.

The walk to the Academy talks about thirty minutes, but I left pretty early, so I get to the Academy about half an hour before class starts. I read a book to pass the time.

Miss Momoko arrives five minutes before class begins and sits down at her desk, shuffling through papers. Once the clock hits the hour, she stands up and calls off four names:

"Aburame Nao, Uchiha Kei, Hyuuga Haruko, and Matsushita Setsuna, please go to room 1-E for your assessment."

The four of us stand up before making our way out of the classroom. The other students start to whisper as we leave, obviously confused, and I can hear Inuzuka demand to know why we get to skip the 3rd year end exams. As the door closes behind us, I hear Miss Momoko saying how we're taking a test to see if we can graduate early, which doesn't actually help the noise level in the classroom from what I can tell.

The four of us make our way to 1-E in silence; Uchiha and Hyuuga don't like me or each other and Aburame never talks anyway. Once we get there, we arrive at a bustling classroom full of the kids a year ahead of us.

The class stops talking for a moment to look us over. "What're _they_ doing here?" a brown-haired boy demands to the bored looking teacher.

"Taking the test," he answers blandly. "Now sit down and shut up, unless you want to go home and try again in six months." He has a quiet voice, but everyone immediately stops talking. The four of us take the hint and sit in the seats that are open. After we're all sitting down, he pushes his hands together to form seals. I recognize it as the Clone technique a split second before another one of him pops into existence.

"Alright, take these tests," he says, giving them to the first person in each row to pass back, "and begin the test as soon as you get it."

Once I get my test, I turn paper over, shifting so I could sit on my leg a little bit. I nibble the end of my pencil. The test looks easy. No, it is easy. It's just long. I end up finishing it before everyone else, but I don't want to stand up first. I look around for a minute or so before a brown-haired girl smoothly stands up, and I get up almost immediately to hand in my paper to the teacher after her. We both go back to our seats. I end up daydreaming about Matsu Akira and her next adventure (recovering a treasure from somewhere in the Land of Fire's capital) while I wait. After everyone is done, the original teacher exits the room while the clone begins to call off names.

I end up not really noticing the people who get called out until it's my turn. After the teacher calls my name, I exit the classroom and follow him down the hall. We don't really go very far, though; he swings into 1-F, and I follow.

"Matsushita Setsuna, right?" he asked. I nodded. "Great. First, Replacement technique," he tells me, and I flip my hands through the seals - I made sure I practiced and practiced them until I could do them really fast. My chakra focuses, gaze sharpening on what I want to switch with: the chair in the middle of the room (probably left out for this purpose).

I release the technique and adjust as I switch with the wooden chair; it clatters against the floor a little bit as I turn around to look at the teacher.

"Cool. Transformation technique now," he says, and I go through the seals for this technique, feeling my chakra shape and form in time with the seals, and as I form a picture in my mind, I let go.

I hope I got it right.

The teacher blinks, looking away before chuckling. "Yeah, that definitely looks like Kuba. You can let go of that now." I do so, aware of how I've burned through about a sixth of my reserves so far. Better than the beginning of the year, though. "Okay, Clone technique this time."

Hand seals. Focus my chakra. Release. Another me pops into existence and I sag, feeling exhaustion hit me after that chakra technique. I look at it, though, and it looks fine. Looks like me as far as I can tell.

The teacher smiles at me. "Good job, kid, you passed. Congrats, you're a low-rank ninja now." He opens a box and pulls out a blue forehead protector with the Leaf symbol engraved on its gray metal. He hands it to me, and I start to grin. I can't believe it. I'm a ninja! I made it!

Before I can start bouncing around or anything, though, he waves his hand dismissively. "Alright, shoo. I gotta test the next kid. Go back to Kuba tomorrow when class starts, she'll tell you what team you'll be in."

I grip the forehead protector tightly, dismissing my clone before bowing slightly. I practically rush out of the nearly empty classroom. I head to the bathroom first because of the full-length mirror there; I want to see how it looks on me.

I tighten it around the top of my head before loosening it, scowling. My hair is all bunched up and weird looking that way. I try it around my neck, but it bounces around too much for it to be comfortable. Next, I tie it around my waist - well, technically, across my gut, crossing over about where my stomach lies. There was a whole two weeks spent on anatomy last year, so I'm pretty sure I know where most of my organs are in my body. I eye the forehead protector. It looks a little weird over my hoodie, but it's better than my forehead or neck, so I guess it's a gut protector now.

But I can't help but giggle as I remember that _I passed_! Oh, right, I should go get my stuff from Miss Momoko's room and then head on home to tell Dad and Yasumaru I'm a ninja now.

I race back to Miss Momoko's classroom, easing open the door, but still making everyone look up at me. Oops. I snake over to my desk, grabbing my pack from where it was before turning to head out.

I catch the eyes of Miss Momoko as I was leaving, and she nods at me. "Good job, Matsushita," she said, having seen what's tied around my waist. Before I could leave, though, Etou Hikaru - the worst, I hate him, why can't he just leave me _alone_ \- stands up and points at me.

"What the hell? How did you become a ninja, Matsushita?" he demands, and I flush. "You think you're so great when you have that ugly hair and weird attit-"

Miss Momoko stands up, effectively cutting off Etou. "Etou. Be quiet or you will fail this test," she says tersely. "And you," she says, turning to me. "Matsushita. Please leave now that you've collected your things. Thank you." She sits down again, looking kind of annoyed, and I take that as my cue to get out of there, feeling embarrassed at her calling me out like that.

I practically run out of the Academy, a smile returning to my face as I remember my new accomplishment. The normal trip back is cut by half because of me running, and I throw open the door with a "bang". "Dad! I'm a ninja now!" I say loudly as I shrug off my shoes and put on my house slippers.

"You are?" he calls back. "Hold on-"

There's a crash of pots and pans for a moment, causing me to wince, and then Dad is picking me up and hugging me. "My baby girl is a ninja! We're going to have to celebrate tonight, then, sweetie," he tells me, letting me go after a moment. "Is there anything you want to eat?"

I think about it. "Mochi ice cream!" I say, smiling at him. We had that for my birthday a few months ago when I turned eight. It was _delicious_.

"I think I know of a place. Any flavor you want in particular?"

"Green tea!" I say. It was good last time, and I want to try some again.

"Okay. Yasu! Yasumaru!" Dad calls, heading back toward Yasumaru's room.

Yasumaru barrels past him, rubber kunai - his most recent birthday present - in his hand. "I'll get you!" he shouts, and I twitch in annoyance as I dodge out of the way.

"What's your problem, Yasu?" I ask, scrunching up my nose.

"What's _your_ problem!?" he parrots back, trying to hit me with the fake kunai again.

"Yasumaru, stop attacking your sister, or you won't get any mochi ice cream later," Dad scolds, trying to take the kunai from Yasumaru. He pouts but let Dad take it. What a brat.

We eat lunch, and afterward I ask Dad if I can go to the library while he and Yasu are at the park. He agrees, and I head on out. Now that I'm a ninja, I can get into the low-rank ninja section! I'm so excited. I don't run there, but it's pretty close.

Once I get there, I head to the door that separates the ninja sections from the civilian section. There's another low-rank ninja standing guard, looking bored. They're probably around twenty years old, I think. I'm nervous, but I approach anyway. They look at me up and down. "Name and registration number?"

"Registration number?" I ask. "Uh, I'm Matsushita Setsuna. Low-rank ninja!" I say after a moment.

"Right, the exams were today, weren't they? You look kind of young. How old are you?" they ask, leaning back on the wall next to the door and picking dirt out of their fingernails with another fingernail.

"Eight," I answer.

"Aren't most graduates supposed to be nine or something?"

"I graduated a year early," I say in slight annoyance. Just tell me if I can go in or not.

They study me for a moment before shrugging and waving me in. "Yeah, alright. Just stick to the low-rank section and don't bother anybody."

I smile widely and head through the door before becoming a little disappointed at how small it is compared to the civilian section. I head to a nearby bookshelf and look at the spines of the books. Oh. Huh. They're all non-fiction stuff. Makes sense, I guess. Probably why the room is so much smaller than the civilian section.

I pick up a book called "Essential Ninja Skills" and settle into one of the chairs situated around the room. It isn't until about two books and several hours later another low-rank ninja sticks their head into the room.

"Matsushita, there's some civilian here to see you," they announce to the room at large, sounding pretty annoyed. There's only me and a few other people in this room, so I figure that it's my dad.

I put the book back and then head back home with Dad, who asks me what the test was like (boring) and if I did any cool ninja techniques (yes).

Once we get back to the house, Mom is there - makes sense, since Dad wouldn't have left Yasu alone in the house. We eat dinner, and then Dad opens the freezer, bringing out some mochi ice cream. Yes! There's two that are green tea flavored, and one that's strawberry, and another that's vanilla flavored. Green tea for me and Dad, strawberry for Yasu, and vanilla for Mom.

Mom congratulates me on passing a difficult test and becoming a ninja, but she doesn't really seem happy. She's never wanted me to become a ninja, and it sours the mood at the table a little bit. But I just eat the mochi ice cream and chat with everyone, trying to keep away from ninja related topics.

I wonder what team I'll be in.


	4. Chapter 4

warnings: minor character death, violence, mentions of bullying

* * *

When I get to school the next day, Miss Momoko tells me, Aburame, Hyuuga, and Uchiha our team assignments. Those three are all on a team together; when I hear I'm not part of it, I tune out the rest of what Miss Momoko is saying - because I don't really care who their high-rank ninja teacher is - until she turns to face me.

"Matsushita, you'll be part of Team Eleven with Yakushi Kabuto, Tsurugi Misumi, and your teacher, Sueno Hotaka. They should be here in an hour; head over to 1-F to get your picture taken and get your registration card and number in the meantime," she tells me, and I nod, bowing before heading to the door. She returns to her work.

Once I get my picture taken (I'm glad I wasn't told to smile, though - I hate trying to smile on command, and I think I look better with a neutral expression anyway) and get my registration card, only about twenty minutes have passed. I decide to head out to the tree with the swing on it and climb the tree while I wait.

I daydream idly, switching from topic to topic for the next forty minutes while I wait, and then, eventually, I see three people walking up to the school: one of them has glasses and brown hair and looks older than the others (our teacher, then); another has really light hair, almost silverish, and is also wearing glasses; and the last has a bandana covering his head and a mask over his face. I steel myself, deciding that they _must_ be my teammates, and jump out of the tree, bending my knees with the fall once I hit the ground, arms splayed out for balance. I straighten back up and walk toward them.

"Uh, hi, I'm Matsushita Setsuna," I say before realizing that they're all _boys_. Everyone who bullied me is a boy. I don't want to be rude, so I just look away and tighten my ponytail some.

"Hello, Setsuna," the brown-haired adult says. "I'm Sueno Hotaka, and this is Yakushi Kabuto," he says, gesturing to the silver-haired kid. Yakushi bows a little, pushing up his glasses afterward. I feel relief that I wasn't wrong about who this trio was.

"Nice to meet you, Setsuna," Yakushi says. I get a little annoyed; it's one thing for my _teacher_ to call me by my given name, but I don't even know Yakushi.

"This here is Tsurugi Misumi," our teacher says, pointing out the kid wearing the bandana and mask.

Tsurugi rolls his eyes. "Whatever. Hi."

I don't really respond, too intimidated to think of anything to say.

Our teacher leads us to the field and has us sit down; it's empty, because there's really no one else at the Academy right now (it's summer break).

He claps his hands together before leaning back slightly. "Let's introduce ourselves a bit more thoroughly. I like gardening and dislike sour food. I want to teach lots of low-rank ninja and help them get stronger."

Tsurugi's eyebrows curve downwards, mask shifting a little bit. "Teacher, we've already _done_ that," he complains, folding his hands over his arms.

"Not when Setsuna was here," Yakushi points out. He turns to face me, smiling a little. "Well, I like medical chakra techniques and learning them. I dislike people who are arrogant without the skills to back it up. My goal is to become a medic ninja." Yakushi glances over at Tsurugi, eyebrow raising.

Tsurugi makes an angry noise but seems to decide arguing anymore isn't worth the trouble. "Fine. I like winning. I hate losing. My goal is to become strong." I decide I don't like this boy - and I'm a little afraid of him - but I try not to let it show.

"Uh... okay. Um, I like reading and learning new stuff. I don't like bullies. And my goal... is to become a high-rank ninja," I answer. I know other kids my age usually have dreams of becoming the Fire Shadow or something, but I don't think that's very realistic for me, since I come from a civilian family. Also, I don't know if I could handle being in charge of the _whole village_. Scary.

Mister Hotaka looks pleased - I think - and then we head over to a training field. We warm up by running sprints, which is way more difficult than the long distance running we did in the Academy, but even though I start getting tired very quickly after we start, I make sure to give it my all every time. I'm pretty fast (or I was, until I started getting tired), which makes me kind of happy. I know I need to work on it though.

Afterward, Mister Hotaka runs us through evasion and stealth drills, which is apparently so we have a better chance of surviving out in the field. I make sure to try my best at them too, even when I trip over roots or get caught almost immediately. If I'm going to be a high-rank ninja one day, then I need to make sure I work hard every day.

"Most opponents out there will be much faster, stronger, and more experienced than you. But-," there's a moment when he pauses, but for less than a second, "if you can hide well enough until they leave or backup arrives, you'll live to face another day," Mister Hotaka tells us.

After a moment, he crouches down in front of where I'm doing some cool-down stretches. "Setsuna, this goes double for you. You haven't been in the field yet, and you're a low-rank of about one day so far. If you meet an enemy ninja, you _must_ acknowledge that they will, about 90 percent of the time, be better than you in most things. Once you hit puberty, that'll change a little - your chakra reserves will expand, and you'll approach your adult strength - but for now, I want you to focus on hiding and evasion." He seems really serious, and of course I don't want to die, so I make sure to commit the words "focus on hiding and evasion" to memory. He's high-rank, and kind of old, so I think he knows what he's talking about.

I think he seems kind of sad when he says that. Once the day ends, he smiles and tells me I'm on the team because I'm a hard worker. I don't really understand, though. Wasn't I already on the team? I go home a little confused, but decide it's not very important.

We settle into a new routine; I'm always exhausted when I get back at the house. Even though I'm usually too tired to talk much anymore, Dad is pretty happy that I'm so active now, and I think Mom is just glad I'm still in the village.

I didn't think of it at the time, but after a few weeks it occurs to me that teams are made with three low-rank ninja, not two; something must have happened to Team Eleven's other member. Considering they don't talk about them, I assume they died. Better not bring it up.

We continue to work on evasion and stealth. Mister Hotaka has me focus on long-range attacks with kunai or shuriken (I'm not a big fan of senbon. They're kind of unwieldy; there's not a lot of room for error. Kunai and shuriken are more straightforward and damaging), which is actually pretty fun. I like learning new things. Yakushi focuses on his medical studies, and Tsurugi is the close-range fighter. I can usually beat Tsurugi in hand-to-hand unless he brings in chakra techniques, though; but that makes him really, really mad. He's kind of mean when he's angry, but he's not mean like how the other kids were at the Academy, always making fun of me. He doesn't talk to me, but I don't want to talk to him, either. He reminds me of Etou.

I take some solace in the fact that I graduated earlier than Etou Hikaru did, but I'll probably always dislike him.

It's about 6 weeks later when we finally get the word that the Third Ninja War is over, though - the Third Earth Shadow and the Third Fire Shadow signed a treaty. About a month later Namikaze Minato, the Yellow Flash, hero of the Hidden Leaf Village, becomes the Fourth Fire Shadow. Sooooo cool. He can teleport or something? That's _so_ amazing. I want to learn how he does that. Then everyone would like me and think _I'm_ cool.

Almost immediately after the war is said to be over, though, Mister Hotaka starts signing us up for peacetime D-rank missions. We weed, find lost pets, clean dishes, paint fences, and other seriously _boring_ stuff. It's not all bad, though; on one of the pet missions I found a baby kitten, all silvery with black stripes. It's kind of scruffy looking. I don't know where its parents are, or if it has an owner, but it's thin and so small I can hold it in my hands. I take it home with me after I determine that it's a stray and no one will miss it.

When I take the kitty home, my mom kind of freaks out a little. She eventually calms down, but tells me that I have to take care of the kitty and feed it and clean its litter box, and that we have to go to a vet to make sure the kitten is healthy. I ask Mister Hotaka where a good vet is the next practice.

He purses his lips. "Hmm. I'd say go to the Inuzuka clinic for the best service, but there's a civilian vet somewhere in the commercial district."

"Which is better?" I see Tsurugi making faces at me from behind Mister Hotaka. I get a little upset but try to just focus on what our teacher is saying.

"Well, the Inuzuka clinic costs more, but with the money you've earned from those D-ranks, you'd probably be able to pay for a visit," he says.

"By the way, Setsuna, what did you decide to name your cat?" Yakushi asks me. I'm not sure if I like him yet. He's polite to me, but I feel really awkward talking to him, and I don't need friends anyway. No one wanted to be my friend in the Academy, so maybe I'm just not destined for friendship.

"Her name is 'Plum'," I say.

"You named your gray cat after a green fruit?" Tsurugi asks with some disdain. _You idiot_ , he's probably saying.

I stare down at the grass. No, I named her 'Plum' with my parents because we thought her eyes looked green like the fruit. But if I say anything, he'll just laugh at me. Actually, I want to say something - something like _"what, you'd be able to name my cat better?"_ \- but I've spent too much time thinking now. It'll be way too awkward if I say anything now.

I look away and don't answer.

Mister Hotaka dismisses us for the day, and thanks to all the training I've done, I make it to my house in about 5 minutes. Dad and Yasu aren't home - maybe Dad brought Yasu with him to work? - and Mom is working at the hospital. Once I make sure I have my wallet in my hoodie's pocket, I start looking for Plum. She isn't on the couch, or under it, or in the kitchen, or in my room, or Mom and Dad's room, or Yasu's room. I look in the bathroom, and she's hiding under the sink.

I giggle a little. What a silly kitty. I reach down and scoop her up. She's a little fussy, but I hold her close and not too tightly. I think I can carry her all the way to the Inuzuka compound where the clinic is. I don't run, but I do walk fast; I think we make good time.

I pet Plum a little bit on the way there, because I can tell she's not very happy, but eventually I get to the Inuzuka compound. There's a sign that says "Inuzuka Clinic inside", so I hold Plum a little more firmly (but not too firmly) and make my way through the gates.

Almost immediately a young girl with long hair and three gray dogs jump toward us. I startle, and Plum scratches my arm in protest.

"Sorry," I whisper to Plum, shifting so her head is on my shoulder again, and then look at the younger kid. I scratch Plum behind her ears, and after a moment, she starts purring.

"Hi! I'm Inuzuka Hana!" she says brightly. She spots Plum. "Oh! The vet place is this way, come on!" she says, and I follow her. I'm kind of relieved someone found me; it was a little awkward walking through the compound alone.

"I'm gonna be a vet one day," she tells me as we make our way to the clinic.

"That's cool," I say. And it is cool, but not really something I'm actually interested in.

When we get to the clinic, Hana holds open the door for me. Her three dog companions scuffle in the dirt beside her, letting out little barks and yips as they play-fight.

"Thank you," I say quietly, and then head to the tall counter. I can't really reach the top; I try to peer over it, to see if there's a bell or something, but I'm too short.

"Grandma Kaori! There's a customer!" Hana yells for me, almost startling me as bad as a few minutes ago.

An old woman opens the door in the back, walking out to see what's going on. Her hair is gray and cropped short, and she's wearing the standard middle-rank flak jacket. Despite how old she looks, her red face markings don't seem to have aged at all.

"What's your name?" she asks, leaning over the counter.

I step back. "Matsushita Setsuna. Um, I have- This is Plum. I found her a few days ago- My mom said I needed to bring her to a vet if I wanted to keep her-"

Kaori held up a hand. "Okay, first time vet visit for you _and_ the kitten. You know how to take care of a cat?"

I look down and off to the side, a little embarrassed. "No..."

"Well, that's fine. You can learn now," she says, and leans over the counter to pick up Plum. "Where'd you find her?"

"Um... I was on a D-rank, and it was near... uh, someplace by a bunch of stalls that sell food."

The old woman raises an eyebrow but continues to look over the cat. "Looks like she's around 6 or 7 months old. Alright. Wait out here," she tells me. She takes Plum with her to another room, and I lean back and forth, lightly swinging my arms in front and behind me in worry.

Hana and her three dogs walk up to me. I turn around, pausing, and then Hana leans in close to smell me. I scrunch up my face.

"What was that for?" I ask, a little bewildered.

"I'm just smelling you," she says as if it's plainly obvious. Is that normal? Do people usually do that? I lean back, frown, and then lean forward and sniff her too. She smells... Actually, I'm not really sure what she smells like. Dogs? Whatever she smells like, it's not that important.

She ends up wrestling with her dogs after we fall into silence. I don't really want to talk to her anymore; it's really kind of awkward. I don't know what to say to her. After a while, she leaves, and I wait in the room alone.

Eventually, Inuzuka Kaori comes out of the other room with a pet carrier. Plum is nowhere to be seen. Probably in the room or pet carrier?

I get up, but don't say anything. I'm a little nervous.

"Alright, I gave Plum some vaccinations, but I'm going to need you to make an appointment and come back later if you want her spayed."

What? "Spayed?"

She barks out a laugh. "Right, you wouldn't know. Spaying is the removal of the ovaries from a cat."

Ovaries. I know that word. Where have I heard it before?

I scowl, biting my lip for a second in concentration.

Okay. I can't remember. "What are ovaries?" I ask.

She puts the pet carrier on the ground next to me. "They're organs that hold eggs. People who have 'em can give birth."

"You mean... my mom has ovaries?" I ask incredulously. And I do too?

"Well, if she gave birth to you, then yeah," Inuzuka Kaori laughs.

"Why would I need to get Plum, uh- spayed?" I ask.

"Well, if you don't want to see kittens anytime soon..."

No way. My mom was upset at seeing one unexpected cat; I'm not sure she'd let me keep others. "No."

"Well, do you want to make an appointment now, or...?"

I think about it. I'm probably going to talk to my mom first, if only because I'll probably need to borrow some money from her, too. "Um. Later," I say, placing a hand at the side of my neck and not meeting her eyes.

"Alright, kid. Here's the bill." She hands me it, and I count out the money carefully. Just enough. I'm glad. "See you around!" she says, throwing a pamphlet at me. I catch it, looking it over briefly. Oh, it's about taking care of a cat.

"Thanks. Uh, goodbye!" I say before leaving with the pet carrier, avoiding everyone as I head back home.

* * *

I make a new appointment for Plum after talking with my mom, who was actually more helpful than I thought she would be (I think she's warmed up to Plum, though I can't say the same of my dad, who calls Plum a rat).

We take our first C-rank about a week after I turn 9; I think Teacher was making us wait for my birthday, but I'm not going to confront him about it. It's a little annoying, but D-rank missions are also important jobs, no matter how gross or disgusting or tedious they are. Our first C-rank is kind of uneventful. I was expecting at least bandits or something, but there was nothing besides wildlife for the two weeks we guarded that merchant. I still haven't had any field combat experience, but Teacher is making us spar more and more and running us through combat drills.

I still usually beat Tsurugi, but Yakushi is more difficult to beat. He's tricky, and doesn't shy from stuff like poking me in the eye or kneeing me in the groin (not that I don't do that either, because if I see a chance, I'll take it). I don't think I'm even a million years close to getting good enough to defeat Teacher in combat, though. Everytime I think I'm getting better, he steps it up and makes me realize how much he was holding back before.

Yasumaru enters the Academy's autumn group about a month later. I was hoping this would make him less annoying, but every day at dinner it's always "Setsuna, I bet you didn't learn about this when you were at the Academy" or something like that. Mom has finally stopped acting weird about me being a ninja - well, mostly. She keeps trying to get me to become a medic ninja, since they have less dangerous jobs.

I like reading Mom's medical texts, but I'm not so sure I want to become a medic ninja. Maybe. I'm only 9. I have time to decide.

I'm in the library's low-rank section late in the evening one night, looking at a scroll on sealing techniques, when I feel malicious, monstrous chakra settle down as if someone had thrown a blanket on top of me. It doesn't feel anything like regular chakra, like human chakra. Whatever this monster is, it hates me. It wants me _dead_. The scroll falls out of my hands and flutters to the ground.

I can't move. I can barely breathe; I'm gasping at the heavy atmosphere. I don't know how long I'm frozen in fear, feeling like I'm continuously one second away from dying, but eventually another low-rank scrambles past me, shaking. I hit a bookshelf, shoulder thumping into the wood and book spines, and that snaps me out of it. What's going on? Is the village under attack?

I stumble toward the exit, cold fear coiling around me. Once I make it outside- it's all chaos. People are running, screaming. In the dark distance, I see a towering red-orange monster bellowing, tails flicking and swiping behind and around it. A Tailed Beast?

Wait. Mom and Dad and Yasumaru and Plum! I have to _find_ them! They aren't ninja. I run toward where my house is, shrieks of chakra techniques and human fear filling the air. I try not to let my thoughts gather on what could have happened, if they're alright or not - I just need to find them. I'll deal with whatever's happened then.

The monster gets bigger as I head toward my house, and I can't get a deep breath anymore. I'm shaking and terrified. I'm going to die. _I'm going to die_.

I swallow hard and press on, trying to ignore how my thoughts have stuck in a loop of that repeating phrase. More ninja are around, and as I move to pass one by, one grabs me by my hoodie, yanking on the hood so I'll stop. I choke for a moment before turning around, fear momentarily replaced by spiking anger.

"Wh-" I begin, but the ninja (middle-rank, judging by their vest) cuts me off.

"Fire Shadow's orders! Non-adult ninja are to evacuate to the barrier!" they snap, and I realize blood is all over their clothes and face.

I want to protest, but this is an _order_. I nod, and then everything blurs together for a few seconds as they drag me along until I'm suddenly thrown from the ninja's grip. I catch a glimpse of a fiery red tail burning through most of the other ninja in an instant as I try to look up from where I'm laying on the ground.

My arm hurts. Gods, my arm _hurts_.

But- they were- they're just _an arm_ now! That could have been me. That was almost me. Oh, gods. I can't move. I'm frozen again. Blood splattered against me, gravel digging into my stomach.

 _Move! Move! Get out of the way! Get up! GET UP!_ I furiously think at myself, but nothing works; I can't move at all.

I'm about to die. I'm about to _die_. I'm 9 years old. I don't want to die. Please. Please, I don't want to die.

Another tail slams into the ground nearby, and I'm thrown into the air, tumbling backwards, and then my back and head connect with something-

* * *

I wake in a hospital.


	5. Chapter 5

warnings: (canon) character death mention, parents, discussion of mortality/a super intense freakout over mortality, descriptions of food

anyway this is the last of the 1 update/day schedule. its caught up with the ao3 version now. should have the next chapter out... relatively soon

* * *

When I wake up, it's slowly, like syrup pouring out of a bottle, or the leaking of a bad faucet. Once I manage to both sit up and open my eyes, I look around the hospital room.

There's someone else sleeping in a bed in the corner, and a group of two are huddled around another bed just a little ways away. The room feels really cramped. I look to the side-

Yasumaru. That's Yasu on the bed next to mine. I scramble off the bed only to practically trip over my dad, who's laying on a blanket on the floor.

"Wh..?" he groans.

"Dad?" I ask, surprised. He wakes up more at the sound of my voice, pausing for a moment before suddenly enveloping me in a hug. I freeze, and then return it. I'm so glad he's okay. Yasu too.

"Is Mom okay? What about Yasu? And Plum?" I ask, ignoring the slight headache pounding against the side of my head.

"They're fine. They're all fine," Dad says. "Your mom is working here. Our house is fine. Plum was inside when that monster attacked. Yasu fell and broke his arm while the Academy students were being evacuated, but the doctors said that he'll be okay."

"That's good," I say, sitting back on the bed. I think back to the attack - screams, blood, that _arm_ \- and ask Dad: "So what happened? Um, during the attack." Did anyone I know die?

"The Fourth Fire Shadow is... dead," Dad says slowly, like he can't believe it, and for a moment, neither can I. The Yellow Flash... dead?

But Dad isn't so crass that he would make a joke like this, no matter how weird his sense of humor is. "He's... dead?" I parrot back, shocked from that revelation. I don't want to think about that. I don't want to think about- about him being _dead_.

Dad only nods, frowning. "You should get back to sleep, sweetie," he says, and I nod slowly. I get back on the hospital bed, headache still painful, and Dad lays back down on his blanket.

I can't sleep, though. I keep thinking of what happened earlier - of that arm - and how I couldn't do anything, how that person was alive, but now they aren't, and of how my grandfather is dead, the Fourth is dead, and someday I'll be dead. Someday I'm going to die. Someday I'll be dead. I'll be dead. I'll die. I won't be alive. I'll be dead.

I'm crying, terrified, fear prickling on my neck, breath coming in short gasps. I'm going to die someday. My life will be snuffed out. I'll be _gone_.

I get off the bed, tears streaming from my eyes, nose running, and wake up my dad by shaking him.

"Dad," I whisper, still crying. I don't want to die, ever.

"Setsuna?" he asks, sounding alarmed. He gets up and sweeps me in a hug. "What's wrong? Are you hurt?"

"N-no," I start, and then start sobbing even harder. I try to calm down, but it's hard with the constant repetition of "I'm going to die" circling in my thoughts. "Dad... I'm going to die someday," I manage to get out. "I-I don't want to die. I'm scared."

He frowns, and squeezes me a little tighter. "Oh, sweetie. Everyone dies."

I can only sob harder at that; now I'm thinking of Dad, dead somewhere, neck broken or throat cut or just not moving, only still, still, still like how only the dead can be.

"Th-that doesn't h-h-help," I get out, gripping him tightly but not as tightly as I can (even as terrified as I am, I still remember he's a civilian).

"Setsuna... when people die, their souls go to the Pure Land. It's not an end," he explains, and I calm down a little, sobs reduced to sniffles.

"Really?"

"Yeah. It'll be okay, sweetie. You'll be okay," he says, and I sniff, wiping my nose with an arm.

I can push the thoughts away, now. I say goodnight to Dad and then fall into a deep sleep.

* * *

The next time I wake up, the people in the other corner are all gone - they must have checked out of the hospital. No one else in the room is awake. I yawn, and get up; my headache is pretty much gone now, actually, but I really need to go to the bathroom.

I find the bathroom easily enough, but on the way back, a man moves from the side of the hallway to fall into step with me. I falter, looking up at him. He's wearing a black cloak, and half of his face is bandaged.

"Um... hello," I say, placing a hand on the side of my neck. I realize that even though the hallway was crowded a few minutes ago, now it's just me and him here.

"Matsushita Setsuna," he begins, voice low and heavy. "It's good you survived. How did you get your injuries?" he asks.

"Uh... I was thrown... by the force of a tail coming down-" down, burning through skin and muscle and bone in an instant- "and I think I hit my head." I swallow, trying to ignore the memories of dread and fear.

The man says nothing for a moment, just looks at me with an intense focus. I look away within a second, feeling uncomfortable.

"You felt powerless, didn't you, Matsushita?" I look back at him, and then nod, frowning. "I can help you, but in return, I'll need _your_ help."

"Help with what?" I ask, furrowing my eyebrows. "Um... what's your name, though?"

"Shimura Danzou. And you would be helping me by helping protect the village. You see, Matsushita, there is a covert group that I am in charge of: Root. Root protects the village from the shadows. The roots of this village's leaves, you could say."

Covert... like Covert Ops? Like the white-masked ninja? I- I'm not good enough to get into that group. Not even close.

Maybe he sees how my expression shifts, because his next words are said a tiny bit softer. "I was once where you are, Matsushita: practically powerless. But I trained hard, and I worked to improve. With the help of Root, you'll be strong enough to protect yourself and protect others."

That sounds... really good, actually. I was so _useless_ when that monster attacked; I couldn't do anything to prevent myself from getting hurt or even- or even stop that ninja from dying.

"What about my teacher? What will he say?" I ask, but I'm hoping they've already worked this out. I want to join Root and get stronger.

"Ah... Sueno Hotaka? One of Orochimaru's students, if I recall correctly," Shimura says, turning and placing a little weight on his cane. Orochimaru? Like the traitor Orochimaru? "He's not in Root; he's not allowed to know. So, Matsushita... what's your decision?"

Well, there's plenty of stuff that I can't know right now because I'm a low-rank ninja or not in the right department; there's always going to be classified information in ninja villages. It's not a huge problem if Teacher doesn't know, then.

"Okay," I say, nodding firmly. "I want to join Root."

He smiles and inclines his head. I'm suddenly picked up, thrown over someone's shoulder. My vision goes a little blurry, and everything slides over and over each other. This is the Body Flicker technique, right? My stomach is doing weird little flops every time we stop for an instant and then restart.

It doesn't seem to take any time at all before we finally stop moving; I realize we haven't started up again, and try to look around, but everything is still pretty blurry. Suspiciously blurry, actually. An illusion technique?

I'm about to break it - I can feel the foreign chakra around my brain and eyes, and if I cut off the flow for a second, it'll disappear - but my vision returns to normal without me doing anything. It's a brightly lit room. I'm placed down on the floor, feet first so I'm still standing.

Shimura approaches me, and I take the opportunity to look around; we're in a narrow corridor, all steel and gray, red pipes bulging out of the walls and crossing around. "Stick out your tongue as far as it will go," he says, and I comply, pushing it out until there's a slightly painful tug near the bottom.

He places a gloved hand - thin, like my mom's medical gloves - on the crease in the middle of my tongue, and then I feel chakra enter my body, running along my tongue and then up into my brain. There's a feeling of compression but without pressure, and then Shimura steps back.

"You may stop, now."

"What was that?" I ask, feeling his chakra loop around from my tongue to my brain and back again. It's such a weird feeling, and I swear I can almost sense some kind of emotion in it; it's detached but has a heavy regard.

"In Root, you may go on dangerous missions. That is a seal which will prevent you from spilling any secrets in the case you are captured," he says, and I feel... I don't know what I'm feeling, but this is more real, now. This is serious. He continues, eyeing me for a second. "Your new name is now 'Aoi'. You will be one of my agents in the public eye, so to speak, but amongst your fellow Root members, your name is only 'Aoi'." I feel my lips twitch a little; I wonder, is that my name because I have blue hair and blue eyes?

"In addition, remember this is a covert operation - you cannot speak of this to anyone who is not me, or a Root member; that is treason and you would be dealt with accordingly. Your orders are to continue as you have been doing. Speak with operative Yakushi Kabuto when your team meets next for your training schedule," he says.

Yakushi's a Root member?

He nods to someone behind me, and they Body Flicker us back to the hospital, dropping me off in my hospital room. Everyone is still asleep except for me, and I yawn, deciding that I'll think about this tomorrow - the matter of Root and Yakushi both.

* * *

I don't see Mom the next day, but during that time, Mister Hotaka visits.

I'm laying on the hospital bed, having just woken up. The door opens, and I turn over, wanting to see who's doing that. I sit up in surprise as I see my teacher.

"Teacher?" I ask, not sure if I should get out of bed or not.

"Setsuna," he says with a large smile. "I'm glad you're okay. Were you badly injured?"

I shake my head. "No, I'm fine." There's an awkward silence for a moment, and then I blurt out "Oh! Uh, what about Yakushi and Tsurugi?" That's polite, right? You ask if other people are okay?

"They're fine, too," he says. "Kabuto is working in the hospital right now if you wanted to see him, but I don't think Misumi is doing that great. He lost his father during the attack," he explains, frowning.

Oh. That's sad. I don't like Tsurugi, but I didn't want him to lose anyone. I frown. After a moment, I ask: "When is our next meeting?"

"When do you get out of the hospital, Setsuna?"

"Um... I'm not really sure."

"I'll find someone and go check, okay?" he says, and exits the room.

Maybe next time I should ask him about him being one of Orochimaru's students. I don't think I will, though - I don't want to bother him. He's probably not a traitor, if he's still in the village. I bet all the members of Orochimaru's low-rank ninja team were interrogated, so if he's still here, he must be okay.

I stare at the door for a moment before hopping out of bed. There's a note on the table next to my bed.

 _Setsuna, I'm taking Yasu back to the house. The doctors said he was fine. I'll be back later. -Dad_

There's someone else in the bed where Yasu once was. I can't believe I didn't even notice that. I scowl and run fingers through my hair, wishing I still had a hair tie. Thinking about my hair makes me remember how Mom won't let me cut it. It's not _her_ hair. I pick up the note and fold it roughly, shoving it in my hoodie's pocket.

I huff and exit the hospital room, wondering if I should go talk to Yakushi about Root. I probably shouldn't; Shimura said to meet with him during practice, and he's busy. Well, if I don't have any reason to visit him, I'm not going to. I want to go home and see Dad and Yasu and Plum. I want to see Mom, too, but she's just busy; she'll have to come home soon, though. I'll stay up and wait for her.

As I start to make my way through the crowded hallways, I pause, realizing I probably should wait for Teacher to tell me when our next meeting is. I head back, deciding to wait by the door to the room I was in. I take the note out of my pocket and try to move it around my body while I wait. I experiment with the best way to 'transport' it: is a continuous stream or concentrated bursts of chakra the better option?

The note flutters with the chakra bursts, and sometimes I miss or overshoot with that, but I can catch the note easily enough, so it's not really a problem. A continuous chakra stream takes more out of me, but it's more controlled. The note keeps falling when it flutters over a thigh, and as I bend down to catch it before it hits the floor, I see Mister Hotaka.

"Hello," I say, pushing the note back in my pocket. I'll probably throw it out later, or maybe doodle on it.

"Practicing chakra control?" he asks, smiling slightly.

"Yeah, but getting the paper to float over my thighs is difficult," I complain.

He hums. "It's impressive you're able to expel chakra from other areas besides your hands, you know? If I recall right, there aren't many chakra points there, and you've got small reserves right now."

I make a face at that. Chakra techniques are so _cool_ , but if my reserves don't increase that much, I'll never be able to do most of them. I purse my lips, thinking over the first part of what he said.

"What do you mean?" I ask. "Like, um, the hands thing. I've... pretty much always been able to expel chakra from anyplace there's, uh, those... holes? I can't see them but I can feel them."

He raises an eyebrow. "You have pretty good chakra control then-"

"Yeah-" I cut myself off, embarrassed at how I had started speaking before he had even finished. "Sorry-"

He waved a hand at me, laughing a little. "It's fine, it's fine. What were you gonna say?"

"Um, it's not that important. You finish first," I say, looking down.

"Alright. Well, your chakra control is really good if you can expel chakra from chakra points other than your hands."

I recall back to the first time I had consciously used chakra. "I expelled chakra from my back the first time I used chakra," I say, offering an explanation of sorts.

"Wow," he says, adjusting his glasses. "How old were you?"

"Uh, five, I think," I say, beginning to lean back and forth, shifting my weight from the front to the back of my feet.

"No wonder you graduated early, huh? Well, while we're here in the hospital - you know that medical techniques take precise chakra control, right?"

I nod. "Yakushi sometimes complains when he has trouble with a technique," I say.

"Right. Given any thought to a medical specialization?" He offers, gesturing slightly to the hospital walls around us.

I pause. "Um, I..." I trail off as I remember the breakdown I had the night before, of the realization of my own mortality - I don't want to think about that any more than I have to. I don't want to do that at all. I don't- I can't. "I don't think I want to specialize in medicine," I say after a moment, feeling cold at the base of my neck.

He looks at me for a moment before nodding. "Alright. Well, you're still a low-rank, so don't worry too much about if you decide to change your mind. There's other specializations for people with good chakra control, though; illusion techniques, for one."

Illusion techniques _are_ pretty cool, I guess. "Yeah, but..."

"But...?"

"But I have trouble with the Clone technique and the Transformation technique - I can't use them that often because I don't have, like, _any_ chakra! And if I have trouble with _illusion techniques_ , then how am I gonna be able to do chakra techniques?" I ask plainly, frustrated.

He tilts his head before leaning down to ruffle my hair. I glare at him. "Setsuna, you're nine. Your chakra reserves haven't really expanded yet, and besides: most civilians would have trouble having enough chakra to transform or make a clone even once. You've worked hard to get here."

"It's not good enough," I say, leaning against the wall, folding my hands over my arms.

"You might not be able to spam out illusion and chakra techniques, but that just means you'll have to find a different focus. Weapons, martial arts... Things like that," he explains. "You're already pretty good with shuriken and kunai, right? Chakra techniques aren't the end-all, be-all of ninja techniques. And you've got one weapon right here in your skull."

"My brain?"

"Right," he says, smiling some more. "In a tough situation, your brains will serve you better than throwing out flashy chakra technique after flashy chakra technique," he says.

"I guess," I say, drumming my fingers against the wall.

"Well, beyond that - apparently you're free to go, Setsuna. Oh, and practice is in two days. Regular location," he tells me.

"Okay, got it," I say, and he nods, disappearing in a puff of smoke. I wish _I_ could do that.

I head home. I almost stop by the library, but I know myself; if I stop there, I'll be there for hours - but also, more pressingly, something more upsetting: I felt the Nine-tail's awful chakra there first. I know the Nine-tailed Fox is gone - sealed in some poor kid, if the rumors I heard in the hospital are right - but I'm scared. It's silly, but in the end, I don't go.

I enter the house, slipping my shoes off and house slippers on, and I close the door behind me.

"Dad? Yasu?" I call, peering around a corner.

"Setsuna? Oh, you're back! So you're feeling better, then?" Dad asks from the kitchen. Smells like he's making stir-fry.

"Yeah, my teacher said I was free to go," I explain. "I have practice in two days."

"That's good," Dad says. "Hey, can you help me out with this? I need some vegetables cut."

"Sure," I say, heading into the kitchen to wash my hands and then grab a knife and cutting board. "Where's Yasu?"

"He's napping," Dad says. "He's doing better. Apparently he ended up falling and breaking his arm - though the ninja at the hospital fixed that up real quick, didn't they?"

I nod idly, rinsing the vegetables before setting them on the cutting board. "Yeah. Wait, how did you want them cut?"

"Just in little chunks. Don't make it too small, though!" he warns.

"Right, I won't," I say.

There's a pause as we work on the food - me with the vegetables and Dad with the meat - before Dad speaks up again. "How did you get hurt, though?"

I continue with cutting the vegetables as I consider his question. I think of that horrible chakra, of that fearful run, of that ninja's death. "I almost got hit by a tail," I say after a moment. I don't want to explain more. I don't want to think about this more. It happened, but I don't want to remember it.

Dad makes an upset noise. "That's- Well- At least you're okay," he finally settles on.

I make an affirming noise, not really sure what to say. We work for a moment in somewhat strained silence before Dad speaks up again. "I talked with Teruko before we left the hospital. Your mother is going to try to become a medical ninja," he begins.

Mom? Becoming a ninja? I feel a little annoyed that after years of showing her disapproval over _me_ being a ninja, she's decided to become one herself. Except that Mom is kind of old. _Can_ she even become a ninja?

"How?"

"Well, apparently she can use her, uh, chakra, and since she's already a nurse, it's just a matter of learning how to heal with it. Apparently she's been wanting to do this for a while, but because she immigrated from the Land of Water, there's been some hurdles. Her grandfather was apparently a Mist ninja."

I feel pretty bewildered. I knew I had relatives in the Land of Water, but I had no idea that my great-grandfather was a Mist ninja. "What?"

"Yeah, I wasn't expecting that either. But her parents weren't, and she wasn't, so..."

Huh.

I decide to not worry about it. I have more important things to worry about, frankly. I finish with the vegetables, heading to my room to practice some chakra exercises before dinner. Mom can do what she wants. I need to improve.

* * *

 **edit** : ok, so, a guest reviewer brought this up and i forgot it would be an issue. i've played with a few character's ages a little bit (kabuto & misumi are now older than they were in the show) along with some other minor stuff. the major details are the same for the most part. i don't want to artificiality inflate my wordcount so most of my notes abt the chapters are on the ao3 version of this fic


	6. Chapter 6

warnings: torture, extremely minor character death, gore, mentions of food and eating, and parents. notes on chapter at ao3 version

* * *

I was going to go to the library in the morning - even if I was nervous, I didn't want to stay away from it for too long - but all low-ranks who could be spared are called to help with reconstruction. I'm directed to help with clearing out rubble. It's a boring, tedious job, but we get the job done faster and safer than civilians would.

The next day, I head to the area where my team usually meets. Yakushi is there, but not Tsurugi. I think about approaching Yakushi to ask for my training schedule, but it probably isn't the best time for that. Besides, someone could be watching, or listening, or _something_ , and Shimura said that Root is an absolute secret. He waves at me, and after a moment I wave back.

I don't really know what to do while I'm waiting, but I get out a notebook and pencil anyway. I tap the end of it against my lips, gnawing on it for a moment in thought. I want to write down my thoughts, but I don't think this notebook is anywhere near secure enough. I doubt any codes I could make would stand up to any intense scrutiny.

No, I need to make a new language and a new writing system, so I can write securely. I'll have to make sure not to write anything too incriminating in this notebook, because people could find it too and then my new language would be useless. I start to sketch some ideas out - what sounds will there be in my new language? I read a book once that said that people have accents because their native language has different sounds. I move my tongue around, trying to figure out what kind of sounds people can say.

Yakushi approaches me. "Are you studying the larynx, Setsuna?"

I look up, closing my notebook. I haven't written anything yet, but it's the principle of the thing; my notebook is private. "Um, no," I answer after a moment.

Yakushi looks... disappointed, maybe? Does he want me to study medicine with him?

The silence uncomfortably stretches on, and before I can convince myself not to - pushing down the anxiety of _what if Yakushi isn't a Root member, what if something goes wrong_ \- I stick my tongue out briefly, only long enough that I'm sure he gets a good look at the seal on it (the design of which, I'm now realizing, I never even looked at; something I'm going to rectify as soon as I get home).

He startles, completely surprised. He opens his mouth to say something before closing it again. His mouth turns downward a little bit before he changes his expression into something more neutral. "When did that happen?"

I think on it, pushing my notebook back in my bag and standing up. "Two days ago, at the hospital."

"You were in the hospital?" he asks, sounding alarmed.

"Yeah, I was fine, though," I say, waving a hand in front of my face. "It was no big deal, I just had a concussion. They fixed it, though."

"Head injuries are always serious, Setsuna," he says, concerned. "You sure you're okay?"

I don't know how to deal with someone asking me if I'm okay; practically no one ever interacted with me back at the Academy, and if they did it was only when we were in groups or people were bullying me. It's weird, and I feel weird, and I don't know how to handle it.

"I'm _fine_ ," I say, hoping he'll drop it.

"Okay, okay," he says, pushing his glasses up after a moment. "So, uh, why did you show me that?"

"I was told to ask you about, um, the training schedule."

He _ahhs_ in understanding. "Right, right. I've done this before. I'll take you there after we're done with our work today."

"Okay," I nod. We fall back into silence again, but it's not as weird as the first time. After a few more minutes, Teacher and Tsurugi finally show up.

Tsurugi is scowling, fists clenched. I can tell he would rather be anywhere else than here. Teacher is ignoring this, though I'm wondering why the two were late. Did he have to talk to Tsurugi? He did say back in the hospital that Tsurugi lost his dad.

"Hey, Setsuna, Kabuto. We're going to go to the Missions Office today. They'll be able to tell us where we'll all be going. Unfortunately, it'll probably be reduced-pay; the village needs all the money it has to rebuild and not appear weak to the other Hidden Villages," he explains. That makes sense. "Let's go."

We end up doing more reconstruction work. After we're done, I immediately leave and start heading back to my house. I'm pretty hungry.

I'm about a quarter of the way there when I remember I need to talk to Yakushi. I can't believe I almost forgot. I move to go back, but I nearly bump into Yakushi as I turn around. Oh, he followed _me_ , then.

I move a hand to the back of my neck, a flush creeping up my face. "Sorry," I say. "I, uh, forgot for a moment."

Yakushi laughs, waving it off. "It's fine, it's fine. Let's go, then."

He starts moving forward, and I follow him. We end up heading to the forests within the Leaf Village (not any clan-owned areas, though), and then walking through a crunchy, barely-there trail. Yakushi stops and flips through a few hand seals. On the ground, a maintenance hole appears, and I realize Yakushi just dispelled the illusion technique I hadn't even noticed before now, even though the ambient chakra that had laid over the area had been in my brain. I need to work on that. If an enemy gets the drop on me because I can't dispel an illusion technique, I'll probably die.

We head down and pass through small but surprisingly okay-smelling tunnels before Yakushi turns into a small chamber. There's some scuffling sounds ahead, an ambient echo. When we enter the room, two people wearing off-white masks look up. They're both in black cloaks and wearing what are almost like Cover Ops masks, but different. One has a cat mask and long dark hair, and the other has short brown hair and a bird mask with a noticeable beak.

"Agent Aoi?" the one with the bird mask asks.

I nod.

The next one speaks up and addresses Yakushi. "Agent Yakushi. Dismissed." Yakushi nods and leaves. Bird-mask motions for me to come forward. I do so, and he places his hand on my shoulder.

I'm suddenly in a room (did they use the Body Flicker technique?), and a bound captive is in front of me. He's out of it, head lolling back. His features are plain, and he has dark brown hair in a short but choppy cut.

There's footsteps from behind me, and I swivel back to look, coming face-to-face with the agent with the bird mask. "Agent Aoi, the information on you stated that you have yet to take a human life. We cannot risk an operative freezing and failing during missions, so the first thing on our agenda is thus: you will kill this man, or I will break your fingers one by one."

I don't understand. This is too sudden. Why does this man have to die?

And then he's in front of me, hand clutching my finger and then bringing it back with a _snap_.

I choke, crying out in pain. It's a sudden, horrible ache, like a wave undulating, receding and moving forward in pain levels.

He steps back and gives me a moment. I hunch over, gasping. "Kill him," he says. Should I? But I'll get hurt more if I don't. But what has this man done to deserve death? Does he really have to die? Why do I have to kill him?

"What- what did he do?" I ask.

In response, he grabs my hand again, gripping it tightly, and I whimper a little, both at how the hold shifts my broken finger a little - it _hurts_ \- and at the expected pain of another finger. "When a superior officer orders you to do something, you do it," he says, and follows through on his threat, bending my left middle finger back until it breaks. The pain is just as sharp as the first time, and I cry out, tears leaving my eyes.

I don't want to kill him, but I don't want a finger broken again. I swallow, clenching my teeth, tears rolling down my cheeks, and face the bound man. I remember the easiest ways to kill someone that we were taught - cut an artery, drive something sharp deep through the eye, snap the neck - and decide that I'll snap his neck. A civilian couldn't do this easily, but as a ninja, using chakra makes feats like that simple. Hopefully, this man won't even feel anything.

I step forward, pressing the pain down, and put three fingers of my left hand on the man's neck, taking care to not jostle my broken fingers any more than I had to. I place my right hand on his neck and I grab down and I jerk his head to the side until I hear a _pop_.

And then everything dissolves, blurring back to the original room, and I realize that I was in an illusion. He was fake. I look at my hand; the pain is gone, and the two broken fingers are actually fine. Why didn't I notice I was in an illusion? Shouldn't I have felt the intrusion of chakra in my brain? Did I just overlook it?

The one in the bird mask turns to me, and I kind of slouch back, not trusting him - even if it wasn't real, he still broke my fingers. How does this make me stronger, or help the village? Should I ask them?

"Unacceptable, Aoi. When a superior orders you to do something, you do it. And your inability to recognize illusion techniques is a problem as well. Today, we'll be working on your desensitization program, and how to recognize when you're in an illusion."

I stay silent for a moment. They want me to kill on command, then? Like the desensitization thing we did in the Academy - but with small animals, like rabbits or fish. But what if they order me to kill a family member? I don't want to think about it. It's horrible. A horrible idea. I latch onto the last part of their sentence in an attempt to stop the thoughts from spiraling around and around in a loop-

"Why didn't I feel your chakra in my brain?" I asked.

The bird-masked agent tilts his head toward the cat-masked agent. "Hinoto," he begins.

I half-expected them to address each other as "Cat" and "Bird".

"Yes, Kanoe. I understand," Hinoto says. She turns to me. "You feel chakra?"

I consider it. "Only my own. And the seal Mister Danzou put on my tongue that loops into my brain."

And suddenly, it's like my right hand is on fire. I look down, and it is.

I shriek and try to put it out, falling to the ground and trying to roll it out. It doesn't work, and the fire spreads all over my skin, burning and hurting-

And then it's gone. Vanished as quickly as it appeared, and I'm standing again.

"Even when he isn't here, address Lord Danzou as "Lord Danzou", Aoi," Hinoto warns. I shake off the disorientation and look at my hand. No burns.

"...Okay," I say. That seems really unnecessary, but I'm not about to disagree and have to go through that sort of pain again. "The seal Lord Danzou put on my tongue."

"Most illusion techniques that affect the senses - and thus, the brain - have a part that tells the brain to ignore the new chakra. You can make an illusion that looks and feels real, but if you don't include that compulsion to ignore the influx of new chakra, even a civilian could realize that something is wrong," Kanoe says.

Oh. I guess that makes sense.

"Now… again," he says, and this time, I'm brought to a different room, with a different person for me to kill.

But now I can feel the difference. As I near the hallway, I feel foreign chakra begin to move through my pathways in my brain. I try to release it, fingers brought up in the correct seal, but I can't. The chakra is too slippery, and my reserves are too small to force it out of my brain.

He watches me struggle for a few more seconds before motioning to the figure lying down. "Kill them."

"This is just an illusion, though," I protest. "There's no need."

He creates another illusion, and I watch in confusion before it coils around me, changing my perception. My right hand starts dripping, skin flowing off, and I recoil in horror and pain, trying to release the illusion technique - but I can't- I don't know how to make one handed seals work- and even if I did I'm not powerful enough to release their illusion technique-

Once my arm's muscles start to slough off, falling to the ground in terrible, bloody pieces, he changes the illusion again. "Kill them."

I look at my hand. It's fine now. I feel cold and upset, almost numb, but this time I don't question my orders. I do as I'm told.

This happens again and again and again, and I learn the quickest way to invite a terrible, painful illusion is to not follow orders. Is this really how I'm supposed to get stronger?

But at the end, I manage to break one of the illusions, and I don't have to kill anyone (no matter if they're an illusion).

This is rough, and more difficult than what I'm used to, but I'll bear it if it means I'll get stronger, strong enough to protect myself.

* * *

I end up getting home around the same time a little later than I usually do, but I tell Mom that I was just at the library and lost track of time. Maybe I shouldn't be lying so much, but I don't feel too guilty. Besides, I don't want to try to explain what I did today. Mom would probably try to say I have to stop being a ninja.

I spend most of the evening playing with Plum - I make an illusionary mouse and have it scurry around, making sure to practice the "ignore this alien chakra" compulsion Bird and Carp mentioned. It's a little funny to see Plum pounce and then realize there's nothing there. I try to pet her, too. She's a little skittish, but I remember what the Inuzuka clinic cat pamphlet told me about cats: that I shouldn't look at them directly and that I should blink at my cat.

She blinks back at me. My heart feels gooey. I love her so much.

I work on my new language a little more. I start making new phrases: "I am Setsuna" becomes "Sti Setsunats ev", and "My name is Setsuna" becomes "Sti Setsunats uev ryos." Once I get started on sentences it's easier to make my new language, since I have a goal. I make up nouns and verbs; I cut some sounds that aren't in my native language and add a new one; I decide that sentences won't have a topic marker, but make words change to show that they're the object of a sentence. It's all really complicated and at the end of making a few sentences my head is swimming from thinking through all this complex new information. After about twenty minutes I take a break.

Falling asleep is difficult that night. I end up wandering around the house, sneaking through the rooms to see if there's anything that can distract me from what happened today. I really don't want to think about it. I'd like to pretend it didn't happen.

It's about ten minutes later that I'm searching in an old closet when I find some old photos. They're old family photos, but some of them have people I don't know; I suppose that's not that surprising, considering how large my dad's family is, but I keep seeing Mom and Aunt Yumi together with another blue-haired kid in the photos. A cousin?

I flip through the photos some more. There's a picture of Mom and Aunt Yumi and the blue-haired boy in their teens sitting around a cramped table, playing some a game; the back of the photo has " _Teruko, Yumi, and Ken playing Go! Yumi won. ^_^_ " written on it.

Who's Ken?

I yawn and decide to ask Mom in the morning. It's getting a little late, and I think I can fall asleep now.

* * *

During breakfast, I ask Mom about the photos.

"Where'd you find those?" she asks, and Dad slowly reads over the newspaper, not paying attention to us. Yasumaru has already left for school.

"I was looking around last night. Who's Ken?"

Mom looks to the side, grimacing. "He's your uncle. A former Mist ninja."

What? "He… deserted?" I ask. Deserter ninja are pretty much scum - worse than even enemy Village ninja. Everyone knows that. No wonder Mom doesn't talk about him.

"There was… a disagreement. With the Water Shadow and our family, and he left when I was 14. It was getting a little, uh, messed up in the Hidden Mist Village, so we left too. I haven't had any contact with him in years," she muses.

Huh. "Okay. Thanks, Mom," I say, finishing up my breakfast. "I better get going."

I put on one of my old hoodies - though this one doesn't have a hood anymore, since I cut it off to make sure no one could pull on it like that ninja had during the Nine-tailed Beast's Attack - and head out to probably clear more rubble or fix buildings.

It's a pretty boring day. I don't have to do Root training today, either, which is nice. I kind of want to talk to Yakushi more - ask him why he joined Root, why he's in medical training - but the words won't leave my mouth. In the end, I just go to the library after regular training and pick up where I left off with that sealing scroll.

It's really interesting stuff, but I don't really understand how it all works. I try to figure out some kind of pattern between the different sealing techniques I've seen around, drawing them down in my notebook (not Danzou's tongue seal, because what if somebody _sees_ ), but they're all pretty obtuse. Every style is different, though most are focused on an "Uzumaki" style, which fittingly uses spirals for almost everything.

Danzou's tongue seal isn't a spiral design at all - maybe a very stylized tree? It's absolutely confusing how there's no coherent system between sealing, so I end up putting the books back and looking up things about low-rank illusion techniques and tips.

Eventually, I head back home.


End file.
